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In
a press conference in LA earlier today, Tommy Mottola, president of Sony
Music, has officially announced his company´s latest move. So-called
singers Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Shania Twain and Britney
Spears are joining forces to put together "Gang Bang", an album of cheesy
pop songs to hit stores in mid-July. The album will be followed by a live
show sometime in August.
Mottola denied the rumours that his company is pulling this stunt to salvage whatever is left of Mariah´s and Whitney´s fading careers. "Just because they are selling less than trampy little wenches like Britney Spears it doesn´t make them flops, now does it?", he asked. "Yes it does", we answered - not aloud, of course.
Mariah and Whitney used to fool horny teenagers into buying up to 10 million copies of their inane albums back in the good old days. It´s not working any longer, though, as Mariah´s cellulite-filled arse grows bigger every day and the spaced-out Whitney copiously sweats buckets every time she has to perform (poorly) live. Last year pretty much marked the end of their careers as Whitney sold little more than 1 million copies of her latest excuse for music, "My Love Is Your Love", and Mariah barely sold 2 million copies of #1´s, a collection of her many inexplainable hits. "Why should I settle for Pariah and Witless when I can have Britney and Shania as my new masturbatory fantasies?", reasoned a 12-year-old male teenager. Indeed.
And if you think we are being mean here, perhaps you would be convinced by the words of a Sony insider. "We call this album Mariah-aid", told us our source. "Britney was not very excited about the project at first, but Mottola promised he´ll do something similar for her when she becomes a has-been sometime this Fall."
But if boobies are what you need to sell an album these days why not use sexy Mexican singer Thalia? "That´s very simple", said Mottola. "I´m sleeping with her so she gets a solo album." We reckon it worked for Mariah.
We can understand Shania´s appeal to horny males and why pedophiles are so attracted to Spears, but what about horribly disfigured Celine Dion? It surely can´t be her singing. "I´m asked that pretty often", answered Mottola. "People are just attracted to freaks, I guess. It´s like slowing down to catch a glimpse of some horrible carwreck, if you know what I mean. Or maybe it´s just that people don´t have any taste in music, which would explain a lot too."
Numerous collaboratos are working hard on the
album. Mariah Carey reportedly had to be kept away from Jay Z and Puff
Daddy during recording sessions, but Mottola refused to comment on the
incident. According to our sources, whenever she was around there was an
"unusual amount of activity in the studio."
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Check out the track listing for the album.
GANG BANG
1. "I Got My Panties Around My Ankles (And Pain Around My Heart)" - Shania Twain (featuring Dolly Parton)
2. "My Dope Is Your Dope" - Whitney Houston (featuring Bobby Brown)
3. "Who Are You?" - Mariah Carey (a tribute to the king of Jordan)
4. "Trucks And Juggs (aka A Man Has His Needs)" - Shania Twain
5. "It´s What Is On The Inside That Matters" - Celine Dion (a tribute to the Elephant Man)
6. "Ain´t No Fake" - Britney Spears (featuring Pamela Anderson)
7. "Crack Whore" - Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey (featuring Puff Daddy and Usher)
8. "Living Through You" - Whitney Houston (a tribute to Lauryn Hill)
9. "He Likes Them Young" - Celine Dion (a tribute to Rene)
10. "Gotta be home by 11" - Britney Spears (featuring Hanson)
11. "Gang Bang" - Mariah Carey, Britney Spears, Whitney Houston, Celine Dion and Shania Twain.